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RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

Michigan-Gramma ~ — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 04:59:47 GMT

A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the doctor shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"The duck is dead", he replied.

"How can you be so certain," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him. He might just be in a coma or something."

The doctor rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the doctor with sad eyes and shook his head.

The doctor patted the dog on its head and took it out, and returned with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also delicately sniffed at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down off the table and strolled out of the room.

The doctor looked at the woman and said: "I'm sorry, but this is definitely--certifiably-- a dead duck""

Then the doctor then turned to his computer and generated a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150.00" she cried, "$150.00 just to tell me my duck is dead !"

The doctor shrugged. "I'm sorry, but if you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20.00. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00. :P

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

Patrick — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 16:45:38 GMT

Very Good! :D

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

Michigan-Gramma ~ — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 14:08:41 GMT

What's in a name?

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo) is not
just an athlete...she is now a nurse currently working at an
Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer.

It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,
Picabo, I.C.U.

A good clean joke is hard to find these days -- pass it on!

(Admit it ..... you're smiling). :D

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

mamalisa2006 — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 08:27:50 GMT

Two elderly persons?were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. Th e stoplight was red, but they just went on through The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.. So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'?
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving ?

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

mamalisa2006 — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 08:02:13 GMT

Ok It made me laugh!!!

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex..'?

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'?

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

mamalisa2006 — Wed, 28 May 2008 15:59:10 GMT

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old
next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come
over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He
replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T
error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

Eric grinned... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it
out."

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric...

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

mamalisa2006 — Tue, 20 May 2008 15:14:25 GMT

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes toHeaven. He is at The Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed,
And Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, It is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you.
I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast,
And we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'
Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.
But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam.
I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.
Life was a big enough test as it was.'
St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says,
'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers'
Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'
The Saint's eyes opened wide and He exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking,
But you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify,
So I will give you credit for that answer.
How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'
Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve?
Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'
Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve:
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '
'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this,
And I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....
But I will have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name'?
'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'
'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions,
But just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'
'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,
'ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run Forrest, run.'

Give me a sense of humor, Lord.
Give me the ability to understand clean jokes, To get some humor out of life,
And to pass it on to other folks.
Amen

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

mamalisa2006 — Sun, 11 May 2008 09:40:01 GMT

What Happen to Good People

Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates.

"Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?

"asked God.

"I could eat," Mother Teresa replied.

So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.

The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it..."

God sighed. "Let's be honest Teresa," He said, ". . . for just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

JESS — Sat, 10 May 2008 11:38:44 GMT

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a
river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the
Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

She replied her thimble had fallen into the water and that she
needed it to help her husband in making a living for their
family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden
thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver
thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord
asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the
woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the
seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband
along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and
disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again
appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went
down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this
your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was upset. "You lied! That is not the truth."

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney,
you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to
him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said
'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the
best of health and would not be able to take care of all three
husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney."

So the Lord let her keep him. The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason,
and in the best interest of others.

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

JESS — Sat, 10 May 2008 11:33:25 GMT

Saint Peter and the Detroiters

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people From Detroit
showed up. Never having seen anyone from the Detroit at heaven's Door,
Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.

After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the Ten most virtuous
people from the group.

A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said,
"They're gone!"

"What? All of the Detroiters are gone?" asked God.

"No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

mamalisa2006 — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 15:27:49 GMT

I LOVE MY JOB . . . . . This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next
time you have a bad day at work think of this guy. Rob is a
commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana He performs
underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent
to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne,
Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.
Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a
bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I
thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad
after all .

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few
technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea.
I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is
quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered
industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of
the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the
diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds
like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I
do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it
down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's
like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of
course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my
back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The ot
water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I
don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it . However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought as
an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I
informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His
instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers,
were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was
instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling
thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry
decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass
helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running
down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as
soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop
for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
Love U, Bo

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it
would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, 'I
love my job, I love my job, I love my job.' Whenever you have a bad day, ask
yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day? May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad
day!!!!!

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

mamalisa2006 — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 15:09:49 GMT

Giggles yeah but at least then someone leaves with a SMILE...

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

Yoda — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 09:43:08 GMT

Really, no kidding. They will just spend the money on Golf, and as we have seen with certain people in New York "Other things...." better not mentioned.

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

mamalisa2006 — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 16:04:32 GMT

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a United States congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

mamalisa2006 — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 07:47:25 GMT

This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for Detroit.

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit, there's crazy people there.
They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor
public schools, and the highest crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

mamalisa2006 — Sun, 06 Apr 2008 08:42:32 GMT

WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?????

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.
"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset
because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!"

"Nonsense," the doctor said".

"Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors
may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted."?? ??? ?"This can't be, our families
on both sides had jet-black hair for generations. "

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex???

The man seemed a bit ashamed . "I've been working very hard for the past
year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently.

"It's rust."

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

mijeff57 — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 09:30:27 GMT

And Jess that Little old lady Joke was GREAT

Four Worms and a lesson

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, she quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

Patrick — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 16:22:27 GMT

[quote][b]JESS (3/16/2008)[/b][hr]How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

[/quote]

That sound about right. :P

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

JESS — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 15:30:30 GMT

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

JESS — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 13:45:56 GMT

I dialed a number! and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes." :hehe:

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

mamalisa2006 — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 18:36:31 GMT

The Spoon

For all of you who deal with restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well', he explained, 'the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis,they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time! I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'.

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

mamalisa2006 — Sun, 09 Mar 2008 16:27:37 GMT

Subject: Helpful Blonde

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knoc ks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

mamalisa2006 — Sat, 08 Mar 2008 17:30:20 GMT

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my eye."

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

Patrick — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 12:14:15 GMT

Hi Jeff,

Welcome to the fourms!

Good joke, and I have to say good recovery no the store opening accross the street. :w00t:

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

mijeff57 — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 11:07:52 GMT

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions
posted at the entrance: You may visit this store only once! There are 6
floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights.
You may choose any item from a particular floor, or you may choose to go
up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the
building!

So a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads: FLOOR 1 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS. She
goes up to the next floor where the sign reads: FLOOR 2 - THESE MEN HAVE
JOBS AND LOVE KIDS. The sign on the next floor reads: FLOOR 3 - THESE
MEN HAVE JOBS, LOVE KIDS AND ARE EXTREMELY GOOD LOOKING. "Wow" she
thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. FLOOR 4 - THESE MEN HAVE
JOBS, LOVE KIDS, ARE DROP-DEAD GOOD LOOKING AND HELP WITH HOUSEWORK.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes
up to the next floor and reads: FLOOR 5 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS, LOVE
KIDS, ARE DROP-DEAD GOOD LOOKING, HELP WITH HOUSEWORK AND HAVE A
ROMANTIC STREAK. She is sooooo tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th
floor and reads the sign: FLOOR 6 - YOU ARE VISITOR 31,456,012 TO THIS
FLOOR. THERE ARE NO MEN ON THIS FLOOR. IT EXISTS SOLELY AS PROOF THAT
WOMEN ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO PLEASE. THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING AT THE HUSBAND STORE.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives Store
just across the street. The FIRST FLOOR has wives that love sex. The
SECOND FLOOR has wives that love sex and have money. The THIRD though
SIXTH FLOORS have never been visited.

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

Yoda — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 12:03:50 GMT

Jess, sounds like a great plan. I will get started ASAP to start saving for my future! :D :w00t:

[quote][b]JESS (2/26/2008)[/b][hr]: Retirement Info

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago you
would have $49.00 left.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer, one year ago, drank all
of the beer, and then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND,
you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily
and recycle.

It's called a 401-Keg.
[/quote]

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

JESS — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 17:08:26 GMT

: Retirement Info

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago you
would have $49.00 left.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer, one year ago, drank all
of the beer, and then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND,
you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily
and recycle.

It's called a 401-Keg.

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

mamalisa2006 — Sun, 24 Feb 2008 18:11:51 GMT

The Golden Screw

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its
place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was
nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it.

All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the
screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never
made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in
Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next
day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant
monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep
in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he
awoke, the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night
while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its
mist, a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screw-driver removed the
screw and disappeared out the window.

The next morning when the boy woke, he saw the golden screw laying on the
pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no
screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, and his butt fell off.

The moral to this is "don't screw around with things you don't understand
-- you could lose your arse".

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

mamalisa2006 — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 16:06:50 GMT

Subject: Blonde?

BLONDE LOGIC Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking,
and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away...
Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can
you see Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says,
'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburettor' She asks,
'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get
your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today
you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the
other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible! ' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then
she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are
you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the
doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing
at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was
knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and
siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and
yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said,
'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the first on t he
moon!' The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!'

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled
the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are
in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for
a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A girl was visiting
her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their
names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one
was named Timex.. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs
like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO. .....,' answered the blond. 'They're watch
dogs!'

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

mamalisa2006 — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 17:22:01 GMT

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

" Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my word!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment? "

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

mamalisa2006 — Sun, 10 Feb 2008 16:21:02 GMT

A newlywed couple were dicussing how they were going to adapt to being
a newly married couple, the comprimises they were going to have to
make, all that fun stuff. The man finally stood up and said, Look
woman, this is how it is going to be, I will go to work everyday to
provide for you, You will stay at home, and keep my house spotless,
when I arrive home, you will have a four course elegant meal hot and on
the table waiting on me. After dinner, you will bring me my slippers,
and coffee into the sitting room. I will alert you when I am ready to
have you draw my bath. He then looked at his wife very smuggly, and
says, And can you geuss who will dress me and comb my hair when I'm
through.
The wife looks at him very Confidently, and says " The Funeral
Director"

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

mamalisa2006 — Sat, 09 Feb 2008 17:06:09 GMT

Cat in the Hat on AgingJust in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly changethings. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in1988. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. The CD was introduced the year they were born. They have always had an answering machine. They have always had cable. Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never heard: 'Where's the Beef?', 'I'd walk a mile for a Camel', or de plane Boss, de plane'. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. Do you feel old yet? (Sorry) Pass this on to the other old fogies on yourlist. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have troublereading. Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

mamalisa2006 — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 16:20:15 GMT

This had most of the state of M ichigan
laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think be fore she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh
and remember
we all say things we don't really mean,
so think before you speak

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

mamalisa2006 — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 16:05:31 GMT

Is a computer male or female?

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish,
unlike

English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two

groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves

whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each

group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the

feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1 . No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers

is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself

spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be

Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time

they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you reali ze that if you had waited
a

little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

mamalisa2006 — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 15:17:35 GMT

hee hee I know I figured it a tad racey but safe enough to not be to adult, lol Oh let me tell ya if this was a differnt type of board I have some others , but those wont be posted here,.. no worries on that...

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

Patrick — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 17:23:00 GMT

[quote]His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick
Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!' [/quote]

Lisa,

That was really good. For just second I was worried where that was going to, but I knew it was you so I was waiting for the punch line..... very good!

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

Patrick — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 17:21:15 GMT

Yoda, The cat-bird one was really good! :D:D

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

mamalisa2006 — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 18:50:36 GMT

Subject: Two Hillbillies

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they
talk
about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins
to
cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One
of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,
yanks
down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his

tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the
bar.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick
Maneuver',
but I ain't never seed nobody do it!'

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

mamalisa2006 — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 18:41:44 GMT

THE GOOD NAPKINS

Ahhhhh....the joys of having children......

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was a jar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for 'special occasions' (her second mistake).

Now fast forward a few months....It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a 'special occasion' Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. 'But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!'

RE: Joke Thread NON ADULT PLEASE

mamalisa2006 — Sun, 03 Feb 2008 18:14:08 GMT

THE CHICKEN BUSINESS

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well...

Clearly, old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully... the bells are not always audible!