|
|
|
Elite Member
Group: Moderators
Last Login: 8/25/2008 7:47 AM
Posts: 465,
Visits: 268
|
|
| George Carlins new rules for 2008 New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have adult fun with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky .'
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.
New Rule:There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his *** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *** hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge bumm hole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your *** . And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every a viable piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'
Located In Rockford Michigan
Hand fed baby Lovebirds and cockatiels
|
|
|
|
|
A.K.A - Steven
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: 8/26/2008 1:03 PM
Posts: 67,
Visits: 69
|
|
Husband calls home and the maid answers the phone.
He says, "Can I speak to my wife?"
She says, "No, she's upstairs with her boyfriend."
So, he says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and shoot them both."
Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok.", 5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?"
He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home."
She says, "We don't have a pool."
He asks, "Is this 555-1234?" 
|
|
|
|
|
Elite Member
Group: Moderators
Last Login: 8/25/2008 7:47 AM
Posts: 465,
Visits: 268
|
|
| HAAAAAAAAAAA!!! That would be my kinda luck ... not getting caught cheating om my man but more having the wrong number and causing some rukus.... Humm I could use a maid tho...
Located In Rockford Michigan
Hand fed baby Lovebirds and cockatiels
|
|
|
|
|
Administrator
Group: Administrators
Last Login: 2 days ago @ 8:10 PM
Posts: 270,
Visits: 694
|
|
No doubt. "oops, sorry about that" 
|
|
|
|
|
Elite Member
Group: Moderators
Last Login: 8/25/2008 7:47 AM
Posts: 465,
Visits: 268
|
|
OUT OF BABES MOUTH'S
Should children witness childbirth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked
Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very
diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The
paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked
Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place . . . smack his bottom again!"
Located In Rockford Michigan
Hand fed baby Lovebirds and cockatiels
|
|
|
|
|
Elite Member
Group: Moderators
Last Login: 8/25/2008 7:47 AM
Posts: 465,
Visits: 268
|
|
| these are jokes and not to be used for real help, just thought i better add a disclaimer, lol AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1.. If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2.. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
3.. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4.. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5.. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6.. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.
7.. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8.. Remember - everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9.. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
Daily thought:
Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but, they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
Located In Rockford Michigan
Hand fed baby Lovebirds and cockatiels
|
|
|
|
|
Elite Member
Group: Moderators
Last Login: 8/25/2008 7:47 AM
Posts: 465,
Visits: 268
|
|
The Spoiled Under 30 Crowd If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!! ! When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways .. yadda, yadda, yadda And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that.. I'm over the ripe ol d age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!! There was no email! ! We had to actually write somebody a letter .. with a pen! The n you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like " Space Invaders" and "asteroids" and the graphics were horrible! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE! When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in fron t of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed! Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your *** and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little bastards! And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove or go build a fire .. imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot. That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980! Regards, The over 30 Crowd
Located In Rockford Michigan
Hand fed baby Lovebirds and cockatiels
|
|
|
| | |