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A.K.A - Steven
 
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: 7/15/2008 11:33 AM
Posts: 62,
Visits: 68
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Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked,"What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat." 
Sorry animal lovers out there... it was funny
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Elite Member
Group: Moderators
Last Login: 7/8/2008 9:13 AM
Posts: 461,
Visits: 267
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OH I could see that happening LOL ya never piss off a little girl
Located In Rockford Michigan
Hand fed baby Lovebirds and cockatiels
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Elite Member
Group: Moderators
Last Login: 7/8/2008 9:13 AM
Posts: 461,
Visits: 267
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THE CHICKEN BUSINESS
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well...
Clearly, old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully... the bells are not always audible!
Located In Rockford Michigan
Hand fed baby Lovebirds and cockatiels
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Elite Member
Group: Moderators
Last Login: 7/8/2008 9:13 AM
Posts: 461,
Visits: 267
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THE GOOD NAPKINS
Ahhhhh....the joys of having children......
My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was a jar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for 'special occasions' (her second mistake).
Now fast forward a few months....It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a 'special occasion' Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!!
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. 'But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!'
Located In Rockford Michigan
Hand fed baby Lovebirds and cockatiels
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Elite Member
Group: Moderators
Last Login: 7/8/2008 9:13 AM
Posts: 461,
Visits: 267
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Subject: Two Hillbillies
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they
talk
about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins
to
cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One
of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,
yanks
down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his
tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the
bar.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick
Maneuver',
but I ain't never seed nobody do it!'
Located In Rockford Michigan
Hand fed baby Lovebirds and cockatiels
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Administrator
Group: Administrators
Last Login: 8/12/2008 9:57 AM
Posts: 256,
Visits: 686
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Yoda, The cat-bird one was really good! 
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Administrator
Group: Administrators
Last Login: 8/12/2008 9:57 AM
Posts: 256,
Visits: 686
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His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick
Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!'
Lisa,
That was really good. For just second I was worried where that was going to, but I knew it was you so I was waiting for the punch line..... very good!
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