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Posted 2/9/2008 5:06 PM


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Cat in the Hat on AgingJust in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly changethings. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in1988. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. The CD was introduced the year they were born. They have always had an answering machine. They have always had cable. Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never heard: 'Where's the Beef?', 'I'd walk a mile for a Camel', or de plane Boss, de plane'. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. Do you feel old yet? (Sorry) Pass this on to the other old fogies on yourlist. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have troublereading. Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.

Located In Rockford Michigan
Hand fed baby Lovebirds and cockatiels
Post #685
Posted 2/10/2008 4:21 PM


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A newlywed couple were dicussing how they were going to adapt to being
a newly married couple, the comprimises they were going to have to
make, all that fun stuff. The man finally stood up and said, Look
woman, this is how it is going to be, I will go to work everyday to
provide for you, You will stay at home, and keep my house spotless,
when I arrive home, you will have a four course elegant meal hot and on
the table waiting on me. After dinner, you will bring me my slippers,
and coffee into the sitting room. I will alert you when I am ready to
have you draw my bath. He then looked at his wife very smuggly, and
says, And can you geuss who will dress me and comb my hair when I'm
through.
The wife looks at him very Confidently, and says " The Funeral
Director"


Located In Rockford Michigan
Hand fed baby Lovebirds and cockatiels
Post #709
Posted 2/17/2008 5:22 PM


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Making a baby. This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

" Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my word!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment? "

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted



Located In Rockford Michigan
Hand fed baby Lovebirds and cockatiels
Post #734
Posted 2/20/2008 4:06 PM


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.

Subject: Blonde?

BLONDE LOGIC Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking,
and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away...
Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can
you see Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says,
'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburettor' She asks,
'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get
your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today
you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the
other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible! ' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then
she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are
you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the
doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing
at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was
knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and
siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and
yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said,
'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the first on t he
moon!' The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!'

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled
the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are
in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for
a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A girl was visiting
her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their
names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one
was named Timex.. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs
like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO. .....,' answered the blond. 'They're watch
dogs!'



Located In Rockford Michigan
Hand fed baby Lovebirds and cockatiels

Post #771
Posted 2/24/2008 6:11 PM


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The Golden Screw


Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its
place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was
nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it.

All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the
screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never
made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in
Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next
day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant
monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep
in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he
awoke, the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night
while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its
mist, a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screw-driver removed the
screw and disappeared out the window.

The next morning when the boy woke, he saw the golden screw laying on the
pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no
screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, and his butt fell off.

The moral to this is "don't screw around with things you don't understand
-- you could lose your arse".

Located In Rockford Michigan
Hand fed baby Lovebirds and cockatiels
Post #807
Posted 2/26/2008 5:08 PM
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: Retirement Info


If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago you
would have $49.00 left.



With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.



With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.



But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer, one year ago, drank all
of the beer, and then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND,
you would have had $214.00.



Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily
and recycle.



It's called a 401-Keg.


MOM of Two
Post #819
Posted 2/27/2008 12:03 PM


A.K.A - Steven

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Jess, sounds like a great plan. I will get started ASAP to start saving for my future!

JESS (2/26/2008)
: Retirement Info


If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago you
would have $49.00 left.



With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.



With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.



But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer, one year ago, drank all
of the beer, and then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND,
you would have had $214.00.



Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily
and recycle.



It's called a 401-Keg.
Post #830